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Title: Tag Team It!
Author: kepp0xy
Characters/Pairings: Merlin, Gaius, Arthur/Gwen
Genre/Rating: G, CRACK. SO MUCH CRACK YOU MAY OD.
Spoilers/Warnings: Implications from 2x13, reference to 2x10. I repeat: YOU MAY OD. Oh, and there's an absolute disregard for things like historical accuracy. Who says Merlin couldn't have known the word "fandom"?
Words: 1500
Summary: Merlin and Gaius tag team write an Arthur/Gwen fanfic. It does not quite go to plan.

Author's Note: [Vague spoilers for 2x13 in this A/N] Dedicated to timeblind who, by watching the finale fresh last night, reminded me that Gaius and Merlin are epic shippers, and clearly write fanfic together, praying for the day when it's good enough to post. She is my enabler. Any complaints can be sent to her. Any other form of comment can be directed to me XD




The sun poured as the richest honey ale across Camelot, alighting each roof and spire in a golden filigree. Guinevere was just stirring, her hair a mess kin to the nest a mother sparrow might make in the earliest days of spring, but her eyes bright, as the first light reflects from a puddle after a heavy rain.

Her day was set to be a busy one, but Guinevere worried not for she was likely to come across her beloved.


-

Merlin set down the parchment and raised incredulous brows at Gaius.

"What do you think?" Gaius asked, his clasped hands lying loosely over his belly as he leaned back in his chair. Merlin tipped his head to the side, feeling a bit guilty because Gaius looked so satisfied with the tripe he'd produced.

"Honestly?" Merlin ventured.

"Honestly," Gaius confirmed.

"It's complete rubbish." At Gaius' indignant splutter, Merlin nodded emphatically. "No, really. There's no way we can show this to anybody."

"I dare you to do better, then!"

"All right."

Merlin took up his quill.

-

Arthur was set for the day. His armour looked fantastic thanks to the work of his brilliant and dashing servant - who he really could not live without - and Arthur was certain he would catch Gwen's eye.

-

"You think armor is the reason they're in love?" Gaius scoffed, reading over Merlin's shoulder.

"Not the reason," Merlin replied. He paused then, and looked thoughtful. "But all right. I'll change it."

-

Arthur was set for the day. His armour looked fantastic thanks to the work of his brilliant and dashing servant - who he really could not live without - and Arthur was certain he would catch Gwen's eye though Arthur knew Gwen was not so fickle as to only be interested in his appearance, he knew she had a keen eye when it came to these things because of her father's work as a blacksmith.

-

"Better?"

"Marginally. And that is an incredible run on sentence."

"Thank you!"

"That wasn't a compliment."

"Oh." Merlin paused, tapping the end of his quill against his chin. "Why don't we start with having them together already?"

Gaius gave Merlin his most condescending of scowls when Merlin glanced over his shoulder. "With no introductory exposition to set the scene?"

Merlin rolled his eyes and set his quill to the page again.

-

"Guinevere!" Arthur said happily when he saw her.

"Hello," she said. If Arthur was one for poetry - which Merlin actually knew that he secretly was; he had found the scrap of parchment with 4 rhyming lines on it - then he would have said Gwen's smile could match Merlin's.


-

"He isn't in love with you, Merlin," Gaius said, snippy.

Merlin was really beginning to find Gaius' hovering frustrating. "I know that, but how else will I ever feel appreciated?"

"You're going to make yourself into a Mary Sue."

"It's Gary Stu for males, Gaius." Really, new fans just threw fandom terminology around with no idea how to really use it properly.

"All right, then you'll be a Gary Stu."

"Fine!"

-

"Guinevere!" Arthur said.

"Hello," she replied.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

"Just collecting the laundry," Gwen replied.

"Oh," Arthur said.


-

"And you called my piece rubbish," Gaius huffed.

Merlin stood abruptly, thrusting the parchment and quill into Gaius' arms. "You try it again, then!"

"I'm glad you've come to see reason," Gaius responded graciously, taking the seat Merlin had vacated. Merlin grunted his reply, dropping himself down onto a bench and throwing his legs onto Gaius' work table.

-

In the dawn sunshine, Guinevere found herself humming tunelessly as she made her way along the dusty streets of Camelot. She was glad of the season's turn to spring, it meant that the mocking birds would soon begin to deign their glorious sunrise song upon the citizens once again.

Turning a corner, Guinevere found herself face to face with Arthur. The pair of young lovers watched each other in utter surprise before slow smiles began to lift their features, washing away fatigue like the changing of the tides along a sandy beach.


-

"Uh... Gaius..."

"Just a moment, Merlin! You've had your turn."

"Yeah, but -

"Be. Quiet!"

-

"My lady," the young prince greeted her warmly. Guinevere felt the adoration of his words move through her in a way not unlike the rush of wind through the bright green leaves of a flourishing forest.

She dropped quickly and elegantly into a small curtsy, dipping her head only the slightest as was required of the court, though she knew Arthur had no need for such formalities between them. "It is a fine morning, sire," she replied courteously, believing that her day could only improve from then on.


-

"No. Gaius. You really ought to stop."

"Quiet!"

-

Arthur took five very deliberate steps towards her, carefully unwrapping her fingers from the basket's handle to take it from her. Guinevere tried not to let the excitement of their fingers brushing distract her.

"Let me help you with that," he offered chivalrously, displaying for her once again the traits that had captured her heart as the steel trap of a hunter. (Note for second pass: this metaphor requires some improvement.)

"Thank you," she responded, now a little shy. Though they had shared a moving and passionate kiss in the tent when Arthur had been enchanted to fall in love with the Lady Vivi-


-

"Merlin told you about that?!"

The voice which had spoken was certainly not Merlin's and Gaius dropped his quill, turning around quickly to find Arthur and Gwen standing behind him. Arthur was glaring daggers at Merlin while Gwen stared at Gaius in horror.

"I... That is, Merlin - he explained to me what was required to break the enchantment, though he didn't tell me who the girl was, but I thought it safe to assume..."

"Oh my..." Gwen buried her face in her hands and Arthur advanced on Merlin menacingly.

"I thought I told you," he began, leaning over as Merlin hunched down on his bench. "That if you ever spoke of that again, I would kill you."

"You did," Merlin squeaked.

"And not only did you speak of it again," Arthur continued, bending down lower and poking a finger into Merlin's chest. "But you told Gaius!"

"To be entirely fair, my lord," Gaius began, standing and moving very cautiously towards Arthur. "Merlin did not tell me the story in full."

"I don't care! He was not meant to speak of it at -

"Arthur," Gwen called quietly, drawing all of their attention towards her. She had the parchment in her hand, and was reading it with a tiny smile on her face. "You should read this part."

Arthur gave Merlin one final withering glare before walking behind Gwen and, looking over her shoulder, read the part she pointed out.

"I like that," she said, very softly, once Arthur had finished.

Arthur hesitated, and then reached around her to point to something else. "And this bit is absolutely true," he said.

"I know," Gwen murmured. She turned to face him, laying the parchment on the table beside them.

Gaius and Merlin glanced at each other, grinning slightly. Arthur and Gwen were looking at each other that way again.

"That doesn't mean I want them writing about us," Arthur said after a moment.

"Oh, heavens no," Gwen agreed, looking a little as though she may die of mortification just at the thought of them writing more. "In fact..." She picked up the parchment and strode purposefully towards the hearth, tossing it in with no regard for Merlin and Gaius' shrieks of protest.

Arthur turned on them both, scowling. "If I ever catch wind that this... This sort of... That these fantasy stories are being written again, I will have you both in the stocks. And it won't be rotten vegetables people are throwing at you."

"What will it be, then?" Merlin asked curiously.

There was a brief pause before Arthur said with a huff, "I'll decide that at the time."

There was an uncomfortable silence before Arthur said, "In any case, the reason for our visit is that my father requires your presence, Gaius."

"And I was hoping you could help me with something, Merlin," Gwen added.

"Of course, sire," Gaius said, gathering up his satchel and following Arthur from the chambers.

"Yeah, sure," Merlin replied distractedly, looking morosely at the parchment still curling in the flames.

"Oh, honestly, Merlin," Gwen said, linking her arm through his and pulling him towards the door. "It was just a first draft, wasn't it?"

"What?" Merlin asked, shocked.

"Well, you'd have needed a few re-writes anyway," Gwen said reasonably, dropping his arm once they'd reached the corridor. "So not much is lost. Just begin again."

"But Arthur said - but you said -

"What Arthur doesn't know won't hurt him," Gwen said a little bashfully, even daring to offer Merlin a wink. "Just promise me one thing."

"What's that?"

"That you'll show me your best ones?"

Comments

( 70 comments — Leave a comment )
Page 1 of 3
<<[1] [2] [3] >>
gen717
Dec. 22nd, 2009 06:53 pm (UTC)
Bwahahaha!! THIS IS BRILLIANT!! I LOVE IT!!
kepp0xy
Dec. 24th, 2009 08:21 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I'm so glad XD!
crayford
Dec. 22nd, 2009 06:58 pm (UTC)
This isn't Crack this is Canon.

We all know Gaius and Merlin will be doing this in between Series 2 & 3
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - kepp0xy - Dec. 24th, 2009 08:22 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - kepp0xy - Dec. 24th, 2009 08:22 pm (UTC) - Expand
misseri44
Dec. 22nd, 2009 07:04 pm (UTC)
LMAO!!!! This was awesome crack!!! And this
Arthur was set for the day. His armour looked fantastic thanks to the work of his brilliant and dashing servant - who he really could not live without killed me,
i think i'm still laughing at it

kepp0xy
Dec. 24th, 2009 08:22 pm (UTC)
hahaha I'm so glad you enjoyed this, bb ♥!
(no subject) - misseri44 - Dec. 27th, 2009 08:53 pm (UTC) - Expand
felix_aeternus
Dec. 22nd, 2009 07:07 pm (UTC)
oh. my. god.

*can't even think of anything to say*

I was blushing when Arthur and Gwen turned up.

...

yeah that's all I got, BB, you've stunned me into silence.
kepp0xy
Dec. 24th, 2009 08:24 pm (UTC)
LOL oh no! I hoped to stun people into shocked laughter. Your silence worries me @_@

♥~
mydoctortennant
Dec. 22nd, 2009 07:09 pm (UTC)
I have just shared this with my entire friendship group.
We're all in stitches here.
Including my sister who only got into the fandom ooooh say last week?

Epicness. I'm still laughing.
kepp0xy
Dec. 24th, 2009 08:26 pm (UTC)
hahaha I'm very glad! Thanks for the lovely comment XD ♥
cifan70
Dec. 22nd, 2009 07:09 pm (UTC)
Haha, this is wonderful. I enjoyed.
kepp0xy
Dec. 24th, 2009 08:26 pm (UTC)
Yay! I'm glad :]!
hmsharmony
Dec. 22nd, 2009 07:24 pm (UTC)
Oh, God, this is quite possibly the most hilarious thing I ever read.

I LOVED Merlin's comment about how people new to the fandom just threw around terms. Imagining him saying that...*dies*

Thanks for writing this!! It was such a joy to read.
kepp0xy
Dec. 24th, 2009 08:27 pm (UTC)
Bwee! Thank you so much for the comment ♥ I'm very glad you enjoyed this
ruby_caspar
Dec. 22nd, 2009 07:26 pm (UTC)
BWAH HAHAHAHAHAA!!! OMG I was laughing so hard. This was awesome! Merlin and Gaius and YOU FTW.
kepp0xy
Dec. 24th, 2009 08:27 pm (UTC)
*L* so glad you liked this, bb! Thanks for the comment ♥!
yalegirl03
Dec. 22nd, 2009 07:32 pm (UTC)
Too cute. I love Merlin and his Gary Stu tendencies. Gaius and his overblown metaphors made me blush. I think I tend to write a little like Gaius :-P
kepp0xy
Dec. 24th, 2009 08:29 pm (UTC)
LOL I WRITE LIKE GAIUS TOO, IT'S OKAY. Sometimes a good metaphor is called for. or so I am choosing to tell myself. Thanks for reading and commenting, bb ♥
misplacedmoony
Dec. 22nd, 2009 07:37 pm (UTC)
SO MUCH BETTER THAN PACKING. SO. MUCH.

I'm laughing too hard to think of anything else other than BRILLIANT. JUST BRILLIANT.

*files away for own personal canon*
kepp0xy
Dec. 25th, 2009 12:30 am (UTC)
LOL PERSONAL CANON FTW. I'm so glad you enjoyed this and hope it didn't take you away from packing for too long ;D ♥!
nasirid
Dec. 22nd, 2009 07:38 pm (UTC)
You rock! Oh my, I couldn't stop laughing!! I can't even tell what part is the best: Gaius and Merlin talking about the Mary&Gary stues; Arthur and Gwen reading and being all "awww, look at this, it's sweet and true and all" or the ending. LMAO Gwen! You totally know how the fandom work, girl!

Thanks for this, you deserve lots of cookies for this wonderful crack ^^
kepp0xy
Dec. 25th, 2009 12:31 am (UTC)
XDDD! Gaius is totally into all the meta discussion in fandom; Merlin can capslock flail with the best of them; and Gwen, obviously, lurks. Thanks for the feedback, I'm super glad you enjoyed it ♥!
jyellow13
Dec. 22nd, 2009 07:50 pm (UTC)
Had a smile on my face the whole time I was reading this! Thanks for the laugh. If Merlin knows terms like "fandom" and "Mary Sue" there must surely be more fanfic writers in Camelot? Does Merlin moderate a community dedicated to Arthur/Gwen? (Maybe the medieval equivalent such as the servants who ship them gather in the kitchens after work to have long discussions about fanfic and squeal over how cute they are?) Ha, I'm seriously overthinking this.
kepp0xy
Dec. 25th, 2009 12:33 am (UTC)
ROFLLLLL I had not thought of this! But clearly you are absolutely correct. Somewhere there is a diligent fanservant compiling a big book of all the parchment scraps with fanfic on them, because Merlin told their little fangroup that Gwen was actually in on the secret and they hope that one day they can give her the book as a wedding gift. (... Now who's overthinking things? ;) ♥ so glad you enjoyed this, bb!
keenan24
Dec. 22nd, 2009 07:51 pm (UTC)
IZ. DED.FROM.ZE.LULZ

I'M just imagining Merlin and Gaius as A/G 's official cheerleader squad:" Give me an A ... an R... a W... an E... and an N... GO ARWEN!"

thanks for the fun!
kepp0xy
Dec. 25th, 2009 12:37 am (UTC)
LOL AM NOW IMAGINING GAIUS WITH POMPOMS, THANKS. HAHAHAHA OH DEAR. I need some brain bleach ROFLLL.

Am super glad that you enjoyed this, though ♥!!
genstarwen92
Dec. 22nd, 2009 08:05 pm (UTC)
LMAO just brill!
kepp0xy
Dec. 25th, 2009 12:37 am (UTC)
Glad you enjoyed :]!
greysaholic78
Dec. 22nd, 2009 08:18 pm (UTC)
Most excellent! I wonder how their story will turn out...
kepp0xy
Dec. 25th, 2009 12:37 am (UTC)
HAHA! That is for someone else to write, I'm afraid. Glad you liked this, though :]!
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